Skincare routines: Start them now!

One thing I have learnt in my first two weeks of being a student is that skincare routines should never be abandoned or delayed for any reason. At first I believed that putting my usual evening rituals to the side would be beneficial, and allow me more time to go out and be a typical fresher and, in a way, it worked. I have officially become a social butterfly. On the downside, however, my face has now broken out with spots in the most inconvenient of places and I have had to delve straight into my old routines at the same time as trying to sort out classes and other University things. Trying to do so many things at once should never be recommended, and in hindsight I would have started using my various creams and scrubs two weeks ago when I had no classes instead of now, when reading lists and homework are creeping into my head and disrupting my rather beautiful social life.

Now I cannot look in the mirror without a tinge of sadness as I think about how these red pimples could have easily been avoided but, due to my sheer laziness, were not. Lesson learnt.

Why Is The Future So Scary?

I have recently become aware of how terrified I am of the future, but as this is a recent development I am still trying to figure out why exactly. From a young age we are told how important specific things are to our future; things like education, skills and friendship. Stick in at school - you will need it for the future! Learn to cook and clean - you will need it for the future! Make some friends - you will need them for the future! When we are young we aren't too sure what the future is and when we are going to reach it, especially when our parents are still talking about their future. All we know is that we need a lot of things to handle this future. I suppose that is why the future seems scary, because we can't face it just as we are, we need a collection of 'weapons' made up of skills, education and other people. Every time we fail an exam we think 'oh no, how am I going to face the future now?' When we burn the dinner for the nth time we accept that our cooking skills will not be helping us in the future. When that friendship crumbles or that relationship breaks apart - we fear for our future. Sometimes we just need a parent to sit us down and tells us that it is no problem that we didn't pass Maths or manage to cook a meal without burning something. We should be told that we are fine exactly as we are and that we can handle the future without a plethora of skills or social groups. It would be a nice and comforting reassurance that we all need from time to time.

She Makes The Meaning More Significant

mood: relieved
listening to: Los Campesinos!, The Sea is a Good Place to Think About the Future

I sat my last exam today - Religious, Moral and Philosophical Studies. I'm rather confident that I have succeeded in achieving the 'B' I need to go to university, but I was hoping for an 'A' because of the disaster that was History. I'm pretty sure I messed up paper 2 in the History exam and I don;t think my essays were strong enough to maintain a 'B' when the second paper is counted. I'm hoping that, at the very least, I get a 'C' in History so that I can call up the university and basically plead for them to accept me. I will reduce myself to begging if I have to - I am that desperate to go to Edinburgh in September.

Saying that, I still don't have a job, so even if I did get in I might not be able to afford it anyway. I was on the town centre website earlier looking at the job vacancies. I think tomorrow I will stop by the town centre, print off a few CVs and hand them in to the places that are currently hiring. I don't know what it is that I must be doing so wrong that I cannot even get an interview anywhere! I'm sure my CV looks fine, maybe I just don't seem keen enough. Maybe I've just been going about it all wrong.

I thought that this was the end of my stress until August, but not that I'm thinking about jobs 24/7 I can see myself getting stressed out again. I actually felt like death this morning following a minor freak-out during the night. Around one o'clock last night I had come to the conclusion that I was not ready for my RMPS exam, and began to go batshit crazy. I ended up not going to bed until near four o'clock and could not fall asleep straight away. It did not help that I had two drunk phone calls from my friend who did not know I had an exam that day. I had set my alarm for nine o'clock, intending to surface, get ready, study and then leave by twelve. My body woke me up at half seven. I went to my exam this morning with barely three hours sleep. I had to take a whole load of paracetamol before leaving the house to get rid of the terrible headache that felt like it was killing me. I am so glad my exams are over.


On a completely unrelated note: I made cupcakes today. Nicky and I are far too simple for complicated cake mixtures, so we bought the children's scooby doo cake mix. They were pretty damn yummy!

If That Mind Is Just As Frail As Its Frame

current mood: stressed
listening to: Pompeii - Numbers

 So I'm nearly the end of my exams. My last exam of my High School experience is in three days and twelve hours. I should probably be sleeping right now, saving my energy for the early bus to the central library at 9 o'clock. But I'm not. Instead I think about what would be most beneficial to my studying, and I do not do it. Not deliberately, don't get me wrong, I do want to pass this exam. Not only do I want to pass, I want an A. If I get an A I have a higher chance of actually getting into Edinburgh Napier University and having my education sorted for the next four years. I have the motive, I just don't have the willpower. When given the option of pulling out my notes on capital punishment, or watching the next episode of Hidan no Aria online, I will choose the anime. Every time. The only problem is, which separates my current mental state from 2009/2010, I do not seem that worried about it. I find myself shrugging, always to myself, reassuring myself that studying tomorrow would be just as effective. I suppose my lack of stress could be considered a good thing, a remarkable improved to previous years.

Over the years of 2009 and 2010 I was not quite as emotionally stable as I am now. I would have frequent anxiety attacks, both in public and in private. Private ones usually consisted of locking myself away in my room, knees up to my chin, struggling to breath and tears streaming down my face. These were a lot less frequent than the public ones. I do not know exactly what set them off, but t seemingly random events I would get hit my this overwhelming wave of anxiety. First I would go silent, trying to calm myself down inside. On the few occasions this worked that would be the end of it. Usually my breathing then began to go as I struggled to keep my breathing regular. Then my eyes would begin to water. I don't think any of my good friends have not seen me cry. Even my Advanced Higher English teacher saw me cry.

But even though my year has been equally as stressful, I have somehow managed to hold it together a lot better than lost year. I have not been able to pin point what made the change in me from constant wailer to part-time crybaby, but I wish I could thank whatever it was. If I make it through the next three days and twelve hours without a breakdown it will be a miracle.

A King With No Crown

mood: sad
listening to: Judas - Lady Gaga

I bought some flowers to take down to the cycle path tomorrow before school. I can't believe it has been a year already, it doesn't feel like it. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want it to stay away. Since when has a year been so short? It isn't that I forget, I just sometimes don't think of it is reality. I don't think of it as being real. Yet when things like this happen, a year since...It just drags me back in to reality and I remember the horrible truth of it. I just...I don't know. I don't like to think about it.

I'm Taking The Short Way Down

mood: lazy
listening to: Fainting Spells - AFI

So I started back school today after an extended weekend and despite my exams starting in just over a week, I still cannot get motivated to put effort in. I have a presentation due tomorrow for Advanced Higher English and a couple of questions due for History which I misplaced and cannot find let alone be bothered to actually do. My lack of willpower is actually kicking me now - it is almost 10am and I have done sweet nothing. I wish I knew quick tips and tricks to boost willpower so I could motivate myself to get off my lazy ass and pick up a pen. Instead of doing work I am sitting in front of the computer browsing Tumblr, blogging, or scouring New Look's online shop for a pair of high waisted shorts to team with my rather cute crop top from H&M.

I have so many good reasons for wanting to study my arse off and get good marks this year - mainly because this is my last year in school and I want to start University in September - but for some reason they do not seem to motivate me as much as they should. Even now I know I should be working instead of blogging. I think tomorrow I am going to ban myself from the internet (with the exception of Blogspot and Google) and spend my evening doing some proper studying and actually get shit done. We are all off on Thursday so I think I am going to go into the library and stay there all day and do some hardcore studying. I need Bs in History and RMPS. I just to bloody sit the English exam without a breakdown. COME ON! 

In Defence Of Our Dream

 mood: stuffed
listening to: kings and queens - 30 seconds to mars

So it was my godson's second birthday today and I went down to celebrate it with his family and gave him his gifts and everything else you do for a second birthday. After the presents were opened and the candles on the cake had been blown out for the second time (he cried 'again!' and started singing Happy Birthday to himself so we had to) we somehow got onto the discussion of jobs and careers. My views on things like University and jobs never seem to go down well with my family, as I am of the opinion that money does not matter as much as doing something you enjoy. I discussed how I will make my future decisions based around the question: Will this make me happy? My aunt simply laughed at my apart naivety and told me that the world wasn't like that. She said that I will most certainly end up doing a job I dislike simply because I 'get stuck'. She asked what would I do if I started a job,  but later discovered I hated it. The answered 'change' was apparently laughable.


We only have one life, and we spend so much of it working - why waste that time working at something you do not enjoy? I believe we should have the main aim of being happy in life, and base our lifestyles around that. Am I the only one who has this opinion of how we should live our lives or are there others out there who don't believe we should settle for unhappiness just because we get more money?

This Is War

mood: political
listening to: this is war - 30 seconds to mars

I don’t understand when I see all these people saying they are ‘upset’ because of Osama Bin Laden’s death. He deserved it, didn’t he? I also can’t understand why people don’t get why people are celebrating his death because only one terrorist has been killed, rather than them all.

Strangely enough, the first thought into my head was Harry Potter. How many of you finished the books and were happy that Voldemort was dead? Sure, he was not the ONLY bad guy out there, and there will be more, but Harry and the others had the right to celebrate his death because he caused so much death and destruction in the magical world.

Bin Laden is OUR Voldemort. He may not have been the only terrorist, but he was one bad son of a bitch who deserved to be brought down.

Just Be Sure To Wear Your Best

Mood: Happy
Listening to: Beautiful Thieves, AFI

 

So I have recently (this morning) rediscovered my love for AFI and 30 Seconds to Mars thanks to Virgin Media Music on Demand. I listened to some old AFI songs that I remembered, followed by a new one released in 2010 that I had never heard and found, to my delight, that the singer's ridiculous fringe was gone. He was also wearing A LOT less make-up and I realised just how attractive Davey Havok was. Ooh. Following the thought of attractive lead singers I turned on the 30 Seconds to Mars playlist and sat through a bunch of their music videos which seemed to be short films rather than music videos, with credits at the end and everything. From Yesterday was especially detailed, and I have to say I enjoyed the full length version as much as I enjoyed the shortened version that I had watched years ago. So now I find myself blogging in my room to the sound of AFI, a soundtrack that would not have crossed my mind only a day ago. Oh how I have missed them.

Winning Love By Daylight

Mood:  Calm
Listening to: Sailor Moon Theme Song

So I decided to actually post on this blog. My last blog was deleted after Google took a fit at my Youtube account and decided to take it out on my blog too. I curse the day Google bought over Youtube. I have not had the same close relationship with Youtube since that cursed day - we used to be so close.

I have spent the last hour or so browing Sasa.com for different make-up items as they usually have a lot of good Asian ones - and I quickly learnt of the magical BB creams. I found a few I was interest in including this Jasmine Water BB Cream from BRTC:

The reviews were good so I added it to my basket that I intended to actually buy when I had money in my bank account. I then noticed the price seemed to have doubled between the information page and checkout: shipping. £11!? I then remember it was coming from Asia and calmed down again. I decided to fill my shpping basket with various items including Creer Beaute La Rose Versaille Oscar Impact & Cool Eyeliner and Cyber Colors Silky Lip Pencils. The latter because the packaging was cute and the former because it was cheap. I have no references to base the quality on so I will just have to find out once I actually buy them, which could be a while considering I spent the last of my money today on my Godson.

Kyle, my Godson, is turning two on Monday and continuing the tradition I started on his first birthday, I bought the main part of his present in the Disney Store. I got him a little Buzz Lightyear top from the Disney Store and a book called Huggless Douglas from Waterstones. I had a quick read of the book before I bought it and the ending was so adorable I just knew I had to buy it! I know he is only two but it is important to read to children young, and I hope my Aunt has been reading to Kyle long before now. I just want him to find out the joy of books early, is that so bad?