If That Mind Is Just As Frail As Its Frame

current mood: stressed
listening to: Pompeii - Numbers

 So I'm nearly the end of my exams. My last exam of my High School experience is in three days and twelve hours. I should probably be sleeping right now, saving my energy for the early bus to the central library at 9 o'clock. But I'm not. Instead I think about what would be most beneficial to my studying, and I do not do it. Not deliberately, don't get me wrong, I do want to pass this exam. Not only do I want to pass, I want an A. If I get an A I have a higher chance of actually getting into Edinburgh Napier University and having my education sorted for the next four years. I have the motive, I just don't have the willpower. When given the option of pulling out my notes on capital punishment, or watching the next episode of Hidan no Aria online, I will choose the anime. Every time. The only problem is, which separates my current mental state from 2009/2010, I do not seem that worried about it. I find myself shrugging, always to myself, reassuring myself that studying tomorrow would be just as effective. I suppose my lack of stress could be considered a good thing, a remarkable improved to previous years.

Over the years of 2009 and 2010 I was not quite as emotionally stable as I am now. I would have frequent anxiety attacks, both in public and in private. Private ones usually consisted of locking myself away in my room, knees up to my chin, struggling to breath and tears streaming down my face. These were a lot less frequent than the public ones. I do not know exactly what set them off, but t seemingly random events I would get hit my this overwhelming wave of anxiety. First I would go silent, trying to calm myself down inside. On the few occasions this worked that would be the end of it. Usually my breathing then began to go as I struggled to keep my breathing regular. Then my eyes would begin to water. I don't think any of my good friends have not seen me cry. Even my Advanced Higher English teacher saw me cry.

But even though my year has been equally as stressful, I have somehow managed to hold it together a lot better than lost year. I have not been able to pin point what made the change in me from constant wailer to part-time crybaby, but I wish I could thank whatever it was. If I make it through the next three days and twelve hours without a breakdown it will be a miracle.