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Skincare routines: Start them now!

One thing I have learnt in my first two weeks of being a student is that skincare routines should never be abandoned or delayed for any reason. At first I believed that putting my usual evening rituals to the side would be beneficial, and allow me more time to go out and be a typical fresher and, in a way, it worked. I have officially become a social butterfly. On the downside, however, my face has now broken out with spots in the most inconvenient of places and I have had to delve straight into my old routines at the same time as trying to sort out classes and other University things. Trying to do so many things at once should never be recommended, and in hindsight I would have started using my various creams and scrubs two weeks ago when I had no classes instead of now, when reading lists and homework are creeping into my head and disrupting my rather beautiful social life.

Now I cannot look in the mirror without a tinge of sadness as I think about how these red pimples could have easily been avoided but, due to my sheer laziness, were not. Lesson learnt.

Why Is The Future So Scary?

I have recently become aware of how terrified I am of the future, but as this is a recent development I am still trying to figure out why exactly. From a young age we are told how important specific things are to our future; things like education, skills and friendship. Stick in at school - you will need it for the future! Learn to cook and clean - you will need it for the future! Make some friends - you will need them for the future! When we are young we aren't too sure what the future is and when we are going to reach it, especially when our parents are still talking about their future. All we know is that we need a lot of things to handle this future. I suppose that is why the future seems scary, because we can't face it just as we are, we need a collection of 'weapons' made up of skills, education and other people. Every time we fail an exam we think 'oh no, how am I going to face the future now?' When we burn the dinner for the nth time we accept that our cooking skills will not be helping us in the future. When that friendship crumbles or that relationship breaks apart - we fear for our future. Sometimes we just need a parent to sit us down and tells us that it is no problem that we didn't pass Maths or manage to cook a meal without burning something. We should be told that we are fine exactly as we are and that we can handle the future without a plethora of skills or social groups. It would be a nice and comforting reassurance that we all need from time to time.

She Makes The Meaning More Significant

mood: relieved
listening to: Los Campesinos!, The Sea is a Good Place to Think About the Future

I sat my last exam today - Religious, Moral and Philosophical Studies. I'm rather confident that I have succeeded in achieving the 'B' I need to go to university, but I was hoping for an 'A' because of the disaster that was History. I'm pretty sure I messed up paper 2 in the History exam and I don;t think my essays were strong enough to maintain a 'B' when the second paper is counted. I'm hoping that, at the very least, I get a 'C' in History so that I can call up the university and basically plead for them to accept me. I will reduce myself to begging if I have to - I am that desperate to go to Edinburgh in September.

Saying that, I still don't have a job, so even if I did get in I might not be able to afford it anyway. I was on the town centre website earlier looking at the job vacancies. I think tomorrow I will stop by the town centre, print off a few CVs and hand them in to the places that are currently hiring. I don't know what it is that I must be doing so wrong that I cannot even get an interview anywhere! I'm sure my CV looks fine, maybe I just don't seem keen enough. Maybe I've just been going about it all wrong.

I thought that this was the end of my stress until August, but not that I'm thinking about jobs 24/7 I can see myself getting stressed out again. I actually felt like death this morning following a minor freak-out during the night. Around one o'clock last night I had come to the conclusion that I was not ready for my RMPS exam, and began to go batshit crazy. I ended up not going to bed until near four o'clock and could not fall asleep straight away. It did not help that I had two drunk phone calls from my friend who did not know I had an exam that day. I had set my alarm for nine o'clock, intending to surface, get ready, study and then leave by twelve. My body woke me up at half seven. I went to my exam this morning with barely three hours sleep. I had to take a whole load of paracetamol before leaving the house to get rid of the terrible headache that felt like it was killing me. I am so glad my exams are over.


On a completely unrelated note: I made cupcakes today. Nicky and I are far too simple for complicated cake mixtures, so we bought the children's scooby doo cake mix. They were pretty damn yummy!

If That Mind Is Just As Frail As Its Frame

current mood: stressed
listening to: Pompeii - Numbers

 So I'm nearly the end of my exams. My last exam of my High School experience is in three days and twelve hours. I should probably be sleeping right now, saving my energy for the early bus to the central library at 9 o'clock. But I'm not. Instead I think about what would be most beneficial to my studying, and I do not do it. Not deliberately, don't get me wrong, I do want to pass this exam. Not only do I want to pass, I want an A. If I get an A I have a higher chance of actually getting into Edinburgh Napier University and having my education sorted for the next four years. I have the motive, I just don't have the willpower. When given the option of pulling out my notes on capital punishment, or watching the next episode of Hidan no Aria online, I will choose the anime. Every time. The only problem is, which separates my current mental state from 2009/2010, I do not seem that worried about it. I find myself shrugging, always to myself, reassuring myself that studying tomorrow would be just as effective. I suppose my lack of stress could be considered a good thing, a remarkable improved to previous years.

Over the years of 2009 and 2010 I was not quite as emotionally stable as I am now. I would have frequent anxiety attacks, both in public and in private. Private ones usually consisted of locking myself away in my room, knees up to my chin, struggling to breath and tears streaming down my face. These were a lot less frequent than the public ones. I do not know exactly what set them off, but t seemingly random events I would get hit my this overwhelming wave of anxiety. First I would go silent, trying to calm myself down inside. On the few occasions this worked that would be the end of it. Usually my breathing then began to go as I struggled to keep my breathing regular. Then my eyes would begin to water. I don't think any of my good friends have not seen me cry. Even my Advanced Higher English teacher saw me cry.

But even though my year has been equally as stressful, I have somehow managed to hold it together a lot better than lost year. I have not been able to pin point what made the change in me from constant wailer to part-time crybaby, but I wish I could thank whatever it was. If I make it through the next three days and twelve hours without a breakdown it will be a miracle.

A King With No Crown

mood: sad
listening to: Judas - Lady Gaga

I bought some flowers to take down to the cycle path tomorrow before school. I can't believe it has been a year already, it doesn't feel like it. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want it to stay away. Since when has a year been so short? It isn't that I forget, I just sometimes don't think of it is reality. I don't think of it as being real. Yet when things like this happen, a year since...It just drags me back in to reality and I remember the horrible truth of it. I just...I don't know. I don't like to think about it.

I'm Taking The Short Way Down

mood: lazy
listening to: Fainting Spells - AFI

So I started back school today after an extended weekend and despite my exams starting in just over a week, I still cannot get motivated to put effort in. I have a presentation due tomorrow for Advanced Higher English and a couple of questions due for History which I misplaced and cannot find let alone be bothered to actually do. My lack of willpower is actually kicking me now - it is almost 10am and I have done sweet nothing. I wish I knew quick tips and tricks to boost willpower so I could motivate myself to get off my lazy ass and pick up a pen. Instead of doing work I am sitting in front of the computer browsing Tumblr, blogging, or scouring New Look's online shop for a pair of high waisted shorts to team with my rather cute crop top from H&M.

I have so many good reasons for wanting to study my arse off and get good marks this year - mainly because this is my last year in school and I want to start University in September - but for some reason they do not seem to motivate me as much as they should. Even now I know I should be working instead of blogging. I think tomorrow I am going to ban myself from the internet (with the exception of Blogspot and Google) and spend my evening doing some proper studying and actually get shit done. We are all off on Thursday so I think I am going to go into the library and stay there all day and do some hardcore studying. I need Bs in History and RMPS. I just to bloody sit the English exam without a breakdown. COME ON!